Malik's Night In
by SpookyChild
Summary: Malik decides to stay home and have a nice, relaxing evening...in a way that is totally unrelaxing. It's kinda like Con Air, only without the convicts. And the plane. And everthing else in Con Air. BACK, AND BADDER THAN EVER.
1. Chapter One!

Malik's Night In 

A Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Here I am, writing another sequel… I think I should get a title, something like "The Ruler and Master of All Things Good, Holy and Sequel-y." Because I'm boss like that.

…Yeah, I promise to never say that again. So, here's another story starring the one and only MALIK! Everyone's favorite spasmodic Egyptian. [Malik is just another version of me, so help me God…] So Malik decides to stay in for the night. Watch as everything turns to MADNESS! Well, actually…no.

Disclaimer: So then Kazuki Takahashi says to me, he says, "You'll never get Yu-Gi-Oh! It's mine I tell you! MINE! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Then he makes a mad dash out of the building. Pssh. Loser.

The First Chapter in a Story of Many Chapters!

[That means chapter one.]

"No, sorry Yami, my brother can't come to the phone right now." Isis said into the phone. She stood up on her toes to grab a roll of paper towels from the cupboard. "He's with the Psycho."

"_What are they doing_?" Came the Pharaoh's voice.

"Hiding in the linen closet." Isis stated.

"_Why_?"

"Well, Bakura was over earlier and decided to play a trick on Yami Malik by showing him the movie 'Armageddon' and telling him that it was a news report. So now he's hiding in the linen cupboard, convinced that the end is happening 'sooner than we think'." Isis made air quotes with her fingers before remembering that Yami couldn't see her.

"_And_ _Malik_?"

"Looking for his Christmas towels."

"_Okay…do you think you could go get him for me_?"

Isis shrugged. "Sure. Hold on." She sat the phone down and walked out of the kitchen, making her way down the hall and eventually to the linen cabinet. Isis opened the door and poked her head in. "Malik, Yami Yuugi is on the phone and he wants to speak-,"

"_RADIATION POISONING! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! SHUT THE DOOR_!" Yami Malik shrieked, pointing a water pistol at Isis's head and pulling the trigger. Isis frowned and wiped the water off of her forehead.

"Hey, Psycho, I know for a fact that there's a package of Popsicles in the freezer that would really like for you to rescue them from unimaginable torment." She said to the Egyptian spirit on the floor. Y. Malik perked up.

"Like in 'Saving Private Ryan'?" He asked. Isis sighed.

"Yes, Psycho. Like in 'Saving Private Ryan'." She mumbled sarcastically. Y. Malik jumped up from his crouched position.

"I'm going in." He did a ridiculously dangerous tumble out of the linen cabinet, in search of the ill-fated Popsicles. Isis rolled her eyes and looked up when Malik hopped down from the top shelf of the cabinet, wearing a bandana around his head and rubber gloves on his hands. He dropped a box down with him.

"Found them." He stated happily, dusting off his sweater. "They were in the crawl space. Man, do you know how many dead pigeons I found up there?"

"Yami's on the phone for you. And did you say dead pigeons?" Malik shrugged and walked past her, taking off his rubber gloves and picking the phone up.

"Hello?"

"_Hey, Malik. Bakura and I were wondering if you wanted to come over. We were going to play a trick on Kaiba_." Yami's voice said over the phone. Malik raised his eyebrow.

"Like what?" He asked.

"_I don't know. Bakura said something about switching a piñata with a hornet's nest, but I don't believe he's thinking it through. I mean, where are we going to get a piñata_?"

"Eh…" Malik shifted slightly. "Actually, I think I'm just going to stay home tonight. You know, clean, watch some 'Martha's Kitchen', maybe rent some movies."

"…_My Ra, Malik, are you **nesting** or something_?!"

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it's none of your business." Malik said sharply, frowning.

"_Fine, Malik. Call us when you grow a penis_."

"Why, so you can see what one looks like? IN YOUR FACE!" Malik quickly hung up the phone and giggled. 

"So, what did he want?" Isis asked, walking into the kitchen. Malik rolled his eyes.

"Don't ask. Hey, you want to rent some movies tonight?" He asked. Isis shrugged.

"Sure." She turned and left the kitchen. Malik picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"_Hello_?" Came Ryou's voice after a few rings.

"Hey Ryou. Want to come over tonight? I'm going to rent some movies."

"_I don't know…_" Ryou's voice sounded uncertain. 

"Oh, come on Ryou." Malik persisted. "We could rent 'Meet Joe Black'. Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins. If you pause it just right you can see his Maytag refrigerator." 

"_I don't know. I'm waiting for Bakura to get home_."

Malik frowned. "Where is he?"

"_I sent him to the grocery store three hours ago for milk_." Ryou sighed over the phone. "_It's amazing how fast 'going to the grocery store' turned into 'going to the strip club'_."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Malik leaned against the kitchen counter. "I've got the same problem over here."

"…_How_?"

"Listen, just come over later." Malik hung up and went into the hallway, grabbing his jacket on his way. He stuck his head into the living room. "Hey, Yami! Wanna come with me to the movie store?"

"But what about the meteors?" Y. Malik cried from on the couch. Malik paused for a moment before opening the hall closet and pulling out an army helmet. He tossed it to Y. Malik.

"There you go. Now come on." Y. Malik rushed out the door and Malik turned to his sister. "Hey, remember to tape 'Buffy' for me." He stopped and chuckled to himself. "Oh, that Buffy. She's always slaying those vampires." Still laughing, he walked out the door. Isis watched him go before snorting.

"Yeah, whatever. Jackass." She added before sitting down on the couch to watch 'The Real World'.

*** 

"-So then the Pharaoh says to me, he says, 'As if!', and I'm all like, 'Oh, don't GO there!'" Malik shouted loudly. "Man, the Pharaoh is such a LOSER!" He used his index finger and his thumb to make an 'L' on his forehead. 

"Wow, you're manly!" Y. Malik exclaimed, still wearing the army helmet on his head. He spun his water pistol around with his finger, but it fell off mid-spin and dropped to the ground. "Oops."

"Just leave it." Malik said, hopping over the broken plastic toy. "It'll be a casualty." Y. Malik shrugged.

"Okay." 

So, our heroes continued their Awesome and Important Journey to the Enchanted Video Store of Doom.

 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

(A/N)

So, what movies will Malik rent? Will Ryou come over later? Will Y. Malik leave his water pistol on the sidewalk as a 'casualty'? Will Isis record 'Buffy'? Does anyone even care? Not bloody likely…

Stay tuned for: The Second Chapter in a Story of Many Chapters! [That means chapter two.]

Thanks for doing that thing!


	2. Chapter Two!

Malik's Night In 

A Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Hello, thank you for ordering "Malik's Night In" on the Pay-Per-Read channel. Here is an exclusive preview for your reading pleasure.

(The screen turns black and a deep narrators voice begins to speak.)

If you had just one chance… one chance to have a quiet, peaceful night… would you take it?

"Dang it, they're out of 'Jerry Springer: Uncut'. Now we can't watch the lesbian gypsy midgets fight over who gets to have sex with their sister."

_And if there were obstacles in your way, could you conquer them?_

"I NEED THE PRUNES!"

Starring, Malik Ishtar… 

"Okay, we need chips. GET CHIPS!"

And Yami Malik… 

"…I like Andrew too."

_Coming to a website near you on, well, whatever day this chapter is posted…_

_MALIK'S NIGHT IN._

"Jigga WHAT!"

This fall, piñatas are gonna have a little more sex appeal.

…Jeez, what the hell was I thinking?

Disclaimer: God… I hate myself.

The Second Chapter in a Story of Many Chapters!

That means chapter two.

"GETTIN' JIGGY WITH IT! NA NA NA NA NANANA! NA NA NA NA NANA! GETTIN' JIGGY WITH IT! NA NA NA NA NANANA! NA NA NA NA NANA -!"

"WOULD YOU STOP?!" Malik screamed at his Yami, hitting him in the face with a plastic popcorn bag. Yami Malik frowned slightly.

"I was just getting my groove on." He pouted. Malik rolled his eyes and stepped into the new release section.

"You see anything?" He called to Y. Malik. Y. Malik excitedly held up 'The Matrix Reloaded'.

"Keanu Reeves!" The Spirit exclaimed happily.

"I mean something good." Malik said, looking pointedly at him. Y. Malik shrugged and tossed the movie behind his head.

"Got one." Malik stated. "Now we need two more."

"How 'bout this?" Y. Malik held up 'The Fellowship of the Ring'.

"No. Ryou will be pissed as Hell if we make him watch that." Malik said. Y. Malik looked confused.

"Why?" He asked.

"Bad experience with Anzu."

"Ewww, Anzu." Y. Malik made a face. He shrugged and skipped behind Malik. "So, what did ya get?!"

" 'Children of the Corn'." Malik stated, sounding bored. "They've got nothing but crap here today."

"I prefer to think of their selections as being 'crap-tastic'. Ooh! Harry Potter!" Y. Malik held up 'Chamber of Secrets'. Malik shrugged.

"Sure. Why not? Ryou loves that blonde kid."

"Jigga WHAT!" Y. Malik exclaimed, tossing the movie into the basket Malik was holding. Malik skimmed the shelves again before pulling out 'Cabin Fever'.

"Dang it, they're out of 'Jerry Springer: Uncut'. Now we can't watch the lesbian gypsy midgets fight over who gets to have sex with their sister." Malik pouted.

"Not in a PG-13 story, anyway." Y. Malik spoke up. Malik blinked.

"…Huh?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Let's go pay for these." Malik said, walking up to the cash register. "Then we'll go next door and get some food and stuff." They stopped and the lady smiled at them.

"Hello, do you have a Blockbuster card?" She asked nicely. Malik handed her the card and she ran it through the computer. She turned back and smiled. "Name?" She asked.

"Seto Kaiba."

"Thank you, mister Kaiba. Have a nice day." She handed them their bag, and the two Maliks' left the movie store, heading to the Publix next door. Malik pulled a shopping cart to him and checked his list.

"Okay, we need chips. GET CHIPS!" He screamed after Y. Malik, who had already started running down a random aisle, screeching like a banshee. Malik checked his list again. "AND GET SOME COKE, TOO!"

"I can get some Coke in an alleyway! DRUG BUST!" Y. Malik exclaimed, throwing a bag of chips at his Aibou's head. Malik didn't look up from his list as the bag bounced off his head and landed in the cart.

"Okay, after we get the Coke we'll get some popcorn and… do you want anything else?" He asked. Y. Malik held up a pineapple hopefully. Malik shrugged.

"Sure." He said, gesturing to the cart. Y. Malik did a little dance and placed the pineapple in the cart. The two went up to the checkout line and waited for the lady in front of them to move.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, you don't have enough money here. Just put the prunes back." The cashier pleaded with the elderly lady.

"Please, just lend me the ten bucks! I NEED THE PRUNES!"

"Hurry up, Fossil Bag." Malik stated angrily, pushing the elderly lady and her basket away from register. Y. Malik suddenly gasped from over by the magazine rack.

"Oh my god! Martha's getting five months in jail!" He exclaimed. Malik snapped his head around.

"Put it in the cart. NOW." He demanded. The two Maliks' began to pile their food on the table. The cashier rang up the total and turned to Malik.

"The total is 20.95. Cash or credit?" He asked. Malik pulled a credit card out of his pocket and handed it to the man. The man ran it through and hit a button on the computer. "Name?" He asked.

"Seto Kaiba."

"Sign here, please." Malik signed the paper. Despite the ever-changing signature of Seto Kaiba from the numerous Yu-Gi-Oh characters stealing his credit card, it was accepted, and the two Maliks' walked out the store, carrying bags of food for their movie night. Malik chuckled.

"Man, Kaiba's been a real great help tonight, eh, Yami?" Malik turned to see his Yami staring at him. He frowned. "What's that matter?"

"…YOU'RE NOT KAIBA?!"

"Isis, we're home!" Malik called to his sister, sitting the bags on the kitchen table. "Did you tape 'Buffy' for me?" He asked as Isis entered the kitchen. She sniffed at the bag that held Yami Malik's pineapple and wrinkled her nose.

"Nope. Forgot." She stated, putting the sodas into the fridge. Malik groaned exasperatedly and lay down on the kitchen table, looking frustrated.

"Isis! It was that episode!"

"What episode?" Isis asked.

"You know! That episode! Where they do that thing," Malik made some erratic movements with his hands, "You know, the one with the vampires!"

"…There are vampires in every episode, Malik."

"I like Spike!" Y. Malik exclaimed, hugging his pineapple to him. Malik pouted slightly and put the chips into the cupboard.

"Yami, enough. Knock it off and put the pineapple in the fridge. I'll go call Yuugi and ask him if he wants to come over later also."

"…I like Andrew too." Y. Malik continued quietly.

(A/N)

…I'm sorry. The next one will be much better, I promise. Oh well. Will Yuugi and Ryou come over? Will Kaiba ever find out that his credit card is missing? Will Malik be able to watch that episode of 'Buffy' that 'has all the vampires in it'? Does Y. Malik really like Andrew, or is he more of a Warren fan? Will Martha be able to prove herself out in the prison yard and smack around any bitch that looks at her sideways? Who likes short shorts? Find the answers to… well, some of the answers… in the next chapter.

Stay tuned for: The Third Chapter in a Story of Many Chapters! That means chapter three.

Thanks for doing that thing!


	3. Chapter Three!

Malik's Night In

A Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfiction by SpookyChild

Author's Notes:

Yeah… it's not very good. I'm thinking the only way to get over writers' block is to… you know… write. So, I hope you enjoy it. If you have any ideas or anything, feel free to tell me. God knows I need some inspiration…

Disclaimer: So there I was, stranded on the deserted island in the middle of the Aegean Sea, when Zeus suddenly appeared before me. "Wow!" I said, "you're Zeus! What are you doing here?" And he's all like, "DO NOT QUESTION MY MOTIVES, MORTAL."

Greek gods can be such jackasses sometimes.

The Third Chapter in a Story of Many Chapters!

That means chapter three.

"I can't believe you let him watch 'Highlander'." Malik stated, watching while Yami Malik ran throughout the house, screaming like a banshee and swinging around a rather dangerous looking paper towel roll, in lieu of a sword. "Again." He added, as an after thought.

"Well, you were in the kitchen, and he really wanted to watch it." Ryou answered, standing besides the Egyptian boy and witnessing the house's demise first hand. "Besides, how could you deny a face like that?"

"Pretty easily, actually."

"I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF KINGS!" Y. Malik roared, diving into the living room and striking a number of poses. Malik frowned.

"Yami-,"

"I am immortal!"

"YAMI!" Malik screamed at the top of his lungs, causing the psychotic spirit to stop in his tracks. "Did you say 'hi' to Ryou, yet?"

"Yes. He told me he liked short-shorts." Y. Malik stated with confidence. Ryou sputtered.

"What- no I didn't!"

"NO MAN CAN BE MY EQUAL!" Y. Malik shouted, jumping out of the room. It was a silent for a few minutes.

"I don't, you know." Ryou said lamely. Malik raised an eyebrow.

"Err, yeah…sure. Hey, I think Yuugi's at the door." Malik quickly exited the living room and made his way towards the front door. Upon arriving, he was happy to notice that he had been right. He opened the door. "Hey, Yuugi!"

"What do you want, asshole?" Yuugi asked sharply, glaring up at Malik angrily. Malik winced.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked.

"Oh, I don't know, only that the last time you invited me over to your house I ended up thrown in prison for solicitation." He snapped, pushing Malik out of the way and stomping into the living room. Malik frowned and followed him.

"Well, I asked you over, hoping maybe we could have some fun. You know, eat junk food. Gossip." Malik exclaimed. Ryou and Yuugi stared at him, incredulously.

"…You seem to be under the impression that we're girls."

"I seem to be under the impression that you need to SHUT THE HELL UP. Now sit your asses down." He snapped. Ryou and Yuugi promptly dropped down onto the sofa as Malik glowered over them. "Now," he began icily, "we are going to have fun tonight if it kills us. _Is that clear_?"

"Y-yes sir." Ryou and Yuugi echoed shakily. Malik smirked.

"Good. Now-,"

"WE'RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!"

"SHUT UP, YAMI!"

---------------

"I'm going to kick Malik's ass."

"Why do you say that?" Yami asked nonchalantly, rubbing cortisone on the numerous hornet stings on his arms and face. "Damn Kaiba…

"I just ran home to see if we had a beekeeper suit or something, and when I got there, there was a note on the door saying that he went over to spend the night at Malik's house. His house!" Bakura cried dramatically, scratching at the red spots covering his skin. "Why didn't he invite me?"

"Maybe because every time you hang out with Malik you end up punching him in the face?" Yami suggested. "And don't worry, Yuugi went over there too and he didn't invite me."

"You know what they're probably doing over there, right?"

"I kind of don't care."

"They're probably having a pillow fight in their unmentionables."

"You're deductions never cease to astound me."

"Think about it, Pharaoh!" Bakura exclaimed, dragging Yami to his feet and leaning over in a suspicious way. "They're over there, all alone, the lights are off and Malik suddenly takes off his shirt and tries to seduce them with his sexy Egyptian ways!"

"Are we talking about the same Malik here?" Yami asked, unconvinced.

"He uses adjective clauses and reads T.V Guide! We can't take the chance." Bakura began to pull Yami out the door. "We're going to go spy on them."

"I think we just figured out another reason as to why Ryou doesn't invite you places."

" 'Cabin Fever' is truly a movie that speaks to our generation. Artistically delivering beyond anyone's imagination, masterfully entertaining, and an experience of epic scope and grandeur, amazing emotional power, and relentless momentum."

"Did that girl just get ripped apart by a dog?"

"Possibly."

"I can't watch this." Yuugi squeaked, covering his eyes and hunching down in his seat.

"Oh, come on!" Malik protested. "Don't wimp out like Ryou! He's been in the bathroom hiding since twenty minutes into the movie!" As if to prove a point, Malik threw the remote at the bathroom door. "Hey Ryou! You okay in there?"

"Leave me alone. I'm going to the bathroom."

"Really? I don't hear anything." There was a long pause before the sound of a faucet turning on met their ears. Malik rolled his eyes.

"What I want to know," Isis spoke up, shoveling popcorn into her mouth, "is why a nice boy like Rider Strong went from 'Boy Meets World' to 'Boy Meets Flesh-Eating Virus'."

"The chicks?"

"Highly unlikely."

"Is it over yet?" Ryou asked, sticking his head out of the bathroom. Malik nodded.

"Almost. Just come on out-,"

"OH MY GOD, THEY FREAKIN' SHOT HIM!"

The bathroom door slammed.

---------------

(A/N)

There you go! Will Bakura and Yami get to their Aibou's in time before Malik seduces them? Was Ryou really going to the bathroom? Is Rider Strong really dead, or did that finger twitch at the last minute leave room for a sequel? Will SpookyChild actually write a decent chapter for any of the numerous stories she still has up? Maybe, maybe not. Oh well.

Thanks for doing that thing!


End file.
